The Race That is Set Before Us

I came across this email that I sent to a friend a few weeks ago. It was a rather good reminder for me, as I am struggling with getting bogged down in the details of life, and I thought it was worth posting here.

Things were a little different than normal tonight. Mr C (the youth pastor) had asked Josh to speak tonight, just to mix things up a little bit. Josh's delivery wasn't perfect -- he was pretty nervous... But what he said impacted me a great deal. It was fairly simple, what he said... He was talking about goals, and how we need to have a goal for our lives, a general direction we are going in. Not only do we need to have a goal, we need to think about how it effects our lives right now. And most importantly, we need to think about how it draws people to Christ. He used the analogy of C.S. Lewis. There was a tool shed that he walked into one day, and the shed was all dark, except for this one, beautiful, focused beam of light. As he walked closer to the light though, he lost sight of it, because the beam was lost in the greater light of the sun. When he turned around, the beam of light, as an extension of the greater light, was shining on all of the tools that he needed to complete a job.

The general idea is, each of our goals should be so intimately connected with God that when people look at them closer, all they see is God. And when we are so focused on God that we become that much a part of Him, He will show us the tools that we need. After youth group was over, he and I sat down at had a rather long conversation. Part of it was completely ridiculous, as is our want.... But the other part of it was really serious, and good.

I've also been thinking quite a lot since Wednesday.... This past week is the kind of thing that will shake a person up a bit...

Basically, I've concluded that my goals are just that... Mine. Sure, I couch them in great, Godly terms... And there is nothing inherently wrong with them. But I always find an idea, and stick it through to the bitter end. Like with music... I don't regret my time at Franklin. It definitely served a purpose... But I don't know that I should have ever been a music major. Like, even then, I don't know that I loved it enough, or in the right way to pursue it on that level. But, I was a musician, and there simply wasn't any other option. Everything had to work out just the way that I had planned it, because after all, I had figured out God's plan for my life.

The same thing with Kenya... I still don't know what God has for me there, if anything... But, I had it all worked out. I had exact details. I had my version of events, and if anyone suggested anything otherwise, it almost offended me. That's not good.

I'm a pretty spontaneous person, but I always have the major pieces in place, and I'm ok with changing small things, as long as the big pieces stay exactly where I've put them. So, I've built my entire life around these basically meaningless pieces. That was one of the first mistakes. My goals had to work out my way, or else I had failed. And failure is an acute feeling in my life. It isn't something I feel frequently, and it isn't something I want to feel frequently... But it has become a goal in and of itself. To do something, and do it well. Not just do it well. Exceed expectations. All of that. Going to school. Taking more credit hours. Working more. Getting better grades. Having a Plan all worked out. All of that. Those were goals, because I couldn't fail.

My second mistake is that all of my goals deal with things that are pretty far in the future. Naturally, goals have to give you something in the future to work towards. But this was just ridiculous. Because, every single goal started with "when I am done with the whole college thing..." and I have been wishing away myy life, waiting for the moment when it will really begin. That is faulty thinking. God placed me in this stage right now for a reason. I should value each moment, each lesson, and each experience of it. I shouldn't be counting down the days until my real life will begin, and I can start living in the real world...

Even when it comes to boys, my thinking has been very flawed. I still stand by what I said this afternoon. He needs to have a bit of the dashing hero in him. I need to be pursued, and he needs to be strong enough that I will submit to him. But on some level, I have always thought that my life was incomplete without a boy... Not incomplete... That's the wrong word. Maybe that I was limited in what I could do as a single person. So, I've made it a goal to find a nice boy, who has the exact same plan as I do, with the same number of children from the same countries, who has the exact same vision for his future that I do. Again, this is my idea of my ideal man in my ideal plan in my ideal life. There is something wrong with this picture.

Nothing in any of those goals reflects Christ. They aren't so much a part of Him that, upon closer examination, they get lost in Him. That needs to change. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with a boy. I don't have my relationship with Christ where it needs to be. I don't need to figure out the Plan for my life, because I haven't spent enough time consulting with the Master Planner.

Since Wednesday, I have spent 48 hours contemplating a life without my two goals... No music, and no Africa. It was a scary, and bleak place. I'm not saying that I should have been perfectly fine with it from the moment I heard, and never doubted... But it shouldn't have scared me beyond any feeling I have ever had before, because if God took away those two things, then I had nothing else in my life. That is wrong. My goal, first and foremost, should be to be that sunbeam. It should be to get so lost in Christ, that when people see me, they seen an extension of Him. And the "goals", the whats of my life, should be the tools that that sunbeam is shining on. They should be illuminated by Christ. They shouldn't be the source.

So many times in the Bible, it uses the imagery of running a race. Josh and I spent a large amount of time talking about that tonight. Especially with the Olympics coming up, it was incredibly relevant to both of us. When you are training for an Olympic event, you sacrifice EVERYTHING. Your even becomes your sole focus. Everything else fades away, unless it can help you accomplish that one goal of running the race. Everything extraneous, everything cumbersome is shed away, and not picked up again. The athlete does everything possible to run that race, to accomplish that one single goal -- running as quickly as they can, and winning the race.

What would my life be like if I spent that kind of energy and dedication on one single goal? and what if that one single goal was becoming a sunbeam, that upon closer examination, gets so completely lost in the source... How would my life change? What kinds of extraneous and cumbersome things would I find myself dropping along the way? How would my training regimen change in order to qualify for the Olympics, and run that race with everything in me?

THAT needs to be my goal... And once the sunbeam is able to shine, the tools will be there, illuminated by the perfect reflection of the Son. I need to stop noticing all of the other runners, and where they are in their race. I need to stop trying to beat my own personal best, and just focus on running the race.

So I guess the significant things right now are: Giving up on Kenya... Maybe not forever, but giving up my future plans so that God will be free to do what He chooses. Making sure that I don't wish away my present, and miss the work that God has for me here and now. And the biggest thing is that I need to start focusing on becoming more of a sunbeam, and less on finding the proper tools. That means that I need to spend more time with God. I need to be more disciplined about prayer. I need to be more intentional about making that relationship my top priority.