A good reminder...

Today, I was reminded of the goodness of God, and how He always uses everything as part of His master plan. I was also reminded of how much He has changed me, and caused me to grow over the past few years. It was a needed reminder.

I have some friends who say that I am too hard on myself, and sometimes, I just need to stop. While I think that it is impossible to be "too hard on yourself" when compared to the model of Christ, I sometimes just brush that away, and never think about what is good in it.

I think that I can have a tendency to always be pushing towards the next thing in my life that needs work, without ever stopping to reflect on how good God is, and how faithful He is to produce fruit from trial.

Case in point. It is almost two years now, since the Zach incident. Today, for the first time, I really sat down and thought about all of the good things that have come into my life since that point. Here is a short list.

I have met some very dear friends (Emily, Kris, Tish, Josh, etc.)
I was in a position to get a job at the museum two summers ago because he wanted to go volunteer there.
I was able to get experience as a chef/manager this past summer, because of that same job at the museum.
I have started to seriously consider culinary arts as a career, as a result of the summer.
God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways, and my relationship with him has deepened significantly as a result of the trial.
Because of the people that I met at the museum, when the time came to transfer, I considered my current school (which would have NEVER happened before)
I wouldn't have been able to get involved with my church, which I absolutely love!
I wouldn't have met my roommate Kristi
I wouldn't be able to live with Katie
Incidentally, Katie wouldn't be at this school if I hadn't come, and said something to her about the linguistics department.

This is definitely a partial list. And think how many things God does that we don't ever know about???? Its kinda exciting!

Does this mean that I can sit back, and revel in how much I've grown over the past two years? No. But it does mean that I can marvel at the greatness of God, and be humbled by His glory.

And maybe that is something I should spend some more time doing...

Hmm...

Well, it has been quite some time since anyone has posted to this blog. I will plead guilty on two counts -- having a computer that required a new operating system, and adjusting to the new town again. However, I have been keeping notes, so I'm planning on going back and writing up the posts based on those notes so I will at least have a complete record in one place.

Ariel and Kristi? Are you still out there? Is everything ok? Its kinda lonely out here!

Houston, We Have a Problem

So... Yesterday, when I was starting to feel overwhelmed? Yeah... That kinda blew up in my face tonight. It wasn't pretty.

This morning, Katie and I ran some errands on campus, and I had to deal with financial aid, which is always stressful. Then, we came home, and I did some computer work. I had another interview this afternoon, so I had to drive way out in the middle of nowhere to get there, and I got lost, which I hate doing. For some reason, this interview kinda stressed me out. I'm not sure if I'll be able to work with this client. Then I had some errands that I had to run. Wal mart, the bank, and the post office.

My roommate from last semester said that she was having my mail held at the post office, and I could pick it up there when I got back. Well, when I went to the post office, they had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. In fact, they said that they didn't offer any kind of service like that. Normally, this wouldn't have been a huge deal, because I don't get much mail anyway, but I was supposed to have a check arriving to that address. So I don't know what has become of that yet. I have a phone number to try and call today to see what happened there.

Then, I went to praise team practice. Yesterday, I got a phone call from the worship leader at church, and he wanted to know if I'd be interested in possibly joining up with the praise team. I was really excited about this! I love playing, and I've really missed it. But it is a big church. And there are lots of other musicians. And it has been awhile since I've really played like that before. So I was really nervous, and it kinda stressed me out even more.

As the grand icing on the cake of today, I spent most of the day on my cell phone trying to arrange scheduling for my dad. See, one of the people that I'd been talking with about buying camp is actually interested. He and Dad went and looked the place over a few weeks ago. Well, he has a business partner who lives in Philadelphia, and they are both so interested that the partner is driving all the way out from Philly to see my camp. And they want to buy it. And I know that this is the best decision, but it still makes me really sad. I don't really want to sell camp. But I know that it must be done. But it makes me sad.

I also got an email tonight that really surprised me. It was from someone who was seeking advice on what seems to be a fairly serious subject, although the email wasn't quite coherent enough for me to understand the situation. The source of this email has surprised me a great deal, and I'm not really sure how to handle it, or what my response to it should be.

There is also stress at work, because I'm not sure about the clients they've given me, and I have to go and do scheduling stuff tomorrow, and I don't know what to tell them. I really miss my restaurant job. I'm not sure if I should try to find another one of those, or what. I'm so confused!

I'm also starting to feel kinda pressured by all of those wonderful service opportunities at church. I keep getting emails and facebook messages about other things that they need help with. And sadly, these aren't mass messages asking for help. They are specifically to me, because I can fill some specific need.

Add into this mix that I've been here in town for less than two weeks, and already, so much has changed. Over the summer, I was working 80 hours a week, and I had a complete life there. Then, I move here, and walk into a ready and waiting life up here. I went from insanely busy while unpacking to a few days of nothing, to getting pretty busy again. I'm not used to this schedule yet... And it sometimes feels like it has all happened so quickly that I just don't have time to deal with any of it.

I'm not quite sure if this sort of thing is normal, and ok... Or if it is yet another indicator that I am trying to run things in my own life yet again. I kinda feel like I'm adrift, and I don't really know what my priorities are anymore.

I went from knowing pretty much exactly what direction my life was going to take, having been heading in that direction for the past decade, to having absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. Should I go to Africa? Go to culinary school? Go back to the music thing? Work for a non-profit? It is all starting to loom ever-closer. I feel like I'm still leading a life where I grew up, where my parents live, where they are getting ready to move to, where my old school is, and here where i am now. I don't know how to balance all of this. I don't know where to draw lines. I don't know how to prioritize everything. Maybe this will get better once school has actually started? Then I will at least have classes to focus on, and everything else can fall into place around that... Maybe...

All I know is that I'm overwhelmed, and I don't exactly know what to do. This is the first time I've really had no clear direction. There has been so much change in the past few months, and I haven't really had any time at all to process it. Everything seems like it is all muddled up. Does any of that even make sense?

Tonight, I couldn't sleep. It is actually the reason that I am still typing posts at 5:43 am. I haven't slept yet tonight. For some reason, Psalm 69 kept floating around in my head. I don't have any personal connection to that one... But I read it, and there were some really good verses at the very end.

Psalm 69: 32a-33

You who seek God, let your heart revive.
For the LORD hears the needy
And does not despise His who are prisoners.

I was talking with one of the Joys tonight, and she told me that I need to retreat. In the military sense of the word. That I needed to step back, and stop fighting battles so I could figure out which strategic points to hit, and I could line up my resources.

She also thought that I needed to do some things that were fun and irresponsible. Not unsafe kind of irresponsible. Specifically, she wants me to go to Charlotte with her next weekend. I can't decide what I want to do. She says that I need to get away, and go to a place that isn't familiar, where people don't know me, and gain some perspective that way. While I might agree with that, I'm not sure that driving to Charlotte with her and her two kids, to meet up with some of her old friends/mentors is going to be the best option. I just don't know.... Maybe I should try sleep again, and see if my body will finally cooperate.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Today has been the busiest day yet since I've been in Lafayette. I had two interviews with families today, then I ended up working a shift this evening.

I think that part of this is the newness of everything, trying to get used to new clients in a new job in a new area. My job requires me to drive all over the county, and sometimes even beyond the county limits. When I'm not familiar with the area at all, this is quite a stretch. Much less trying to figure out how to get from one place to another, so I can make sure I am scheduling interviews properly.

Today is the first day that I have really felt challenged to find time to do my devotions. Again, I'm not sure if that is just starting to feel slightly overwhelmed with everything, or if I am slipping back into old habits of laziness.... It will definitely be something to keep my eyes on though as the semester progresses.

I need to keep refocusing my mind on God. I really am starting to feel overwhelmed, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I haven't really been doing that much, so I don't know why I'm overwhelmed... But there we have it.

An Unexpected Blessing!

Katie had her first official day of school orientation today. She had to go fill out lots of paperwork so that she can get paid for her assistantship. All of the grad students were there, and this included the International students. When Katie got home, she said that she had met a girl named Julia who was from the Ukraine, and she had gotten her cell phone number. We randomly decided, at 4:00 to call Julia and invite her over for dinner that night.

Julia was surprised, but excited, to come over. So, Katie and Kristi and I started dinner preparations. Over the course of the evening, it was very nice to just sit and talk with Julia. She is here to get her PhD in Chemistry, so we didn't spend much time talking about our respective studies, since they don't coincide in the slightest.

While we were talking about how Julia had learned her English, she started talking about this boy from Idaho who had spent time in Ukraine teaching English. He also happened to be a Christian, and she had learned a lot about God and Jesus from him. We still aren't sure if Julia is a Christian or not, but it was very cool that she was so open to talking about it all.

Pray with me that God will be able to use us, and develop this friendship with Julia. It is nice to have a friend to do things with. Julia arrived in America on August 1st, so she is still trying to adjust. She seems to miss home a lot, and especially with all of the unrest in the Caucasus region, it is completely understandable. But, it is still an exciting blessing that Julia has been brought into our lives.

In with a twist

So... Sometimes I really don't like God's sense of humor. The roomies and I went to my church today. I was still not in a great mood, and I didn't *really* want to be at church that morning.

Wouldn't you know that the sermon was just precisely and exactly what I needed to hear? It was all about disciplining your mind, and filtering things out of it, and training it to what was good and right. You know that verse in Phillipians?

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Yeah... That one... Isn't it a lot nicer to dwell on those things than it is to wallow in the abject self pity I'd been indulging in for the past few days?

As if that wasn't bad enough, after the church service, we went to sunday school. That was where the twisting part came in.

One of the college guys gave his testimony today, and he did a really good job. There were lots of things that he said that were good, but the one that stuck with me is kinda one that I've been mulling over through the new perspective on the book of Job, but it really hit me this morning.

God's goal is to be glorified. He is perfect, and so can exist for His own glory without being selfish. It's not about me. It never has been, never will be. It is all about Him. My sole purpose is to glorify God. It doesn't matter what my mood is. This is why I'm supposed to train my mind, and dwell on the good, lovely, pure, true and excellent things. Because it isn't about me, or about what I'm feeling. It is about the glory of God.

To quote Tim, "John Piper ruined my life..."

Blah, part The Second

Today was a little better than yesterday, but not a whole lot. I had a wedding to go cook at, and I really wasn't happy. The bride had sent out this incredibly detailed breakdown of the day (like, 5 minute increments) and this just ticked me off like none other. I didn't want to go. I was annoyed that my friend was getting married, and I wouldn't even get to see any of the wedding, because I'd be in the kitchen the whole time. I was annoyed that pretty much everyone else in the kitchen got to leave to go see the ceremony, but I had to stay. There was more of the wallowing thing going on today.

Thats the bad news. The good news is that I was feeling pretty convicted after my behavior yesterday, so I was able to be a little more deliberate about turning to God. In the end, I was able to see the wedding as an act of service that meant a lot to my friend, and be at least nominally contented with that.

By the end of the day, I was actually in a pretty good mood. I was even able to deal with burning hot chicken juice getting poured all down the front of my shirt, and getting a lovely burn all over my stomach without killing anyone! When we are faithful, God gives us what we need.

I just need to work on that faithfulness part some more.

Blah

Ok... Today has been a not so good day. I'm not quite sure, but I'm feeling rather at odds with everything and everyone. I didn't want to go into work today. I didn't want to be around people. I didn't want to spend time with my roommates. I didn't want to do my Bible study. I didn't want to pray. I don't really have any good reasons for this. I don't know what triggered it. But it has not been a good day.

I suppose that today would have been one of those good days to exercise self discipline, and pull out those other spiritual disciplines and pull through and make it a good day. But I didn't.

Mark that up as Big Failure #175,297,456,808,214,782 for Sarah.

Instead of doing any of those things, I took a couple of things I wasn't happy about, and wallowed in them.
Yep. Just like that. I let myself get so covered up in them that I couldn't even see myself or anything around me, except for those few muddy things.

Darn. I guess this means that I still have a long way to go. I'm glad that God is merciful and gives 175,297,456,808,214,782nd chances.

Back to Proverbs

I've kinda strayed from writing about Proverbs 31 of late. That doesn't mean that it has been absent from my thoughts -- there have just been other things that seemed to be more pressing to write about.

However, as I am gearing up and getting ready to start my new job, it seemed like an appropriate time to revisit some of the characteristics of this lady. Tomorrow, I will be job shadowing. It is the first time I will be going into other people's homes to begin taking care of various clients. Also, today, I receive information about a set of clients to begin interviewing.

What an incredible opportunity to show God's love in some very dark places! I cannot personally fathom the darkness and hopelessness that must come with having a severely disabled child. As I become a part of these family's lives, what kind of character will I present to them? What characteristics can I take from Proverbs 31 as I go about my job?

Lets take another look at one of the breakdowns I posted before.

A Brief Summary Of Proverbs 31:10-30

10 - rare, precious	17 - energetic	24 - enterprising
11 - trustworthy, treasures	18 - discerning	25 - poised, prepared
12 - beneficial	19 - industrious	26 - wise, gracious
13 - earnest	20 - benevolent	27 - careful, active
14 - foresighted	21 - provident	28 - praiseworthy
15 - diligent	22 - elegant	29 - distinguished
16 - prudent, progressive	23 - influential	30 - Godly
		31 - honored

In some cases, I'll be called on to be energetic. I think that discernment will be an important constant, as I am trying to figure out how to best serve my clients and their families. Foresighted, as I plan their days and how to ensure that they get all of the components and therapies that they need. Of course, being industrious while I am working is going to be important. Also, being Godly is pretty much a given.

In short, I'm excited to have this chance to help some people, and spread God's love, even if I can't actually say anything about it.

Welcome Kristi!

Kristi arrives in the good old State of Indiana today! It will be so nice to actually meet her!

God has really blessed me in the friendships that I have been given over the past few years. I am honored to add Kristi to that list, and I wanted to take a few minutes to be thankful for some of the amazing women that God has placed in my life through the past few years. In alphabetical order, they are:

Ariel - no matter what time of day or night, or how many times you've heard it before, or if it makes sense or not, you always listen to me. Thank you for that. Thanks for always pointing me back to God when my focus starts to stray, and thanks for keeping me from getting too serious.

Emily - You have shown me a wonderful example of discipline. Both in creating time for God in the midst of an incredibly busy schedule, and in prioritizing things in your life. For people like you and I, that is an immeasurable challenge, and I truly appreciate the example that you have given me.

Katie - You are one of my oldest friends, and I'm excited that you are my roommate now! Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me. I think one of the things I appreciate most about you is your kindness. You seem to always see the good in people, and that is always a welcome contrast to my sarcasm and cynicism. Thank you for reminding me to love people.

Kristen B. - Watching you over the past year especially, as we have gotten to know each other better, and as you have dealt with significant struggles has been such an encouragement to me. The way that you have turned to God as a source of comfort and correction was humbling.

Kristen S. - the grace and strength you have shown over the past year seems boundless, and never ceases to amaze me. Your heart for service, both for your family, your teammates, and your community is more evident each and every day. But I think the think I appreciate most about you is the way that you talk with God. When I hear you pray, I know that you know that you are talking to God. That your prayers matter. More than that though, I appreciate your faithfulness in seeking God, and in praying for those around you.

Kristi - I haven't known you as long as the other people on this list, but that doesn't mean that I value your friendship any less. God has given you the gift of counsel, and watching you as you seek knowledge to help guide people closer to God has been very cool. I'm excited to meet you today, and watch you continue on the next step of that journey at church!

Lauren - Lauren Joy! Your name is so incredibly appropriate. You bring such joy and light into my life, and such wisdom, and understanding. I don't know what I would have done over the past two years without your friendship, and I thank you for all of the late night conversations and cups of tea, and early morning breakfast meetings, despite all of your Erable homework.

The Joys - This is a group of three women named Joy. They are all adopted mothers to me in various ways, and I am thankful that God has placed older women in my life to act as mentors.


Each of you has been so incredibly special in my life, and I am blessed, honored, and incredibly humbled to count you among my friends.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I thank my God every time I think of you. I love you girls!

The Remarkable Record of Job

I've been reading a book by this title. I picked it up at the museum over the summer. I'm not finished with it yet, but it raises an interesting concept that is on my mind today. The author (Dr. Henry Morris) approaches the book from a very scientific point of view. I will admit that I sometimes get lost in the more technical aspects of the science parts, but what he says is making me rethink my entire view of Job.

If you go ask pretty much anyone who is familiar with the story of Job to tell you the highlights, here is pretty much what you would get.

There was this guy named Job, and he was really rich, and really good. So good, that God trusted in Job's goodness enough to point him out to Satan. So then a bunch of bad stuff happens, because Satan is trying to prove that God isn't all that cool, and Job doesn't really love God as much as God thinks. But Job is still a really good guy, so he sticks with God even though Job doesn't understand what is happening. So then Satan gets God to let him make Job really sick. His wife leaves him, and these so called friends of his come to try and comfort him. Only they do a really lousy job of it. And they just make him more depressed. Then some young punk who thinks he is all that comes along, and just makes matters even worse. But, in the end, Job still loves and trusts God, and that is pretty cool. So God gives Job everything that he lost, plus some in the end. And the lesson that we learn is that we should trust God, and God's plan will always work out and be good in the end.

Except, that isn't what the book is about. I've always found this book to be extremely comforting, because, despite all of the crap that Job goes through, it shows that God cares about human suffering, and has a plan for it... Right?

Well, according to Dr. Morris, that isn't so much the point of the book. And despite a three chapter long monologue from God directly to Job at the depths of his despair, God never once mentions human suffering. In fact, God talks a whole lot about creation, and what He made, and how amazing that is, and how He has all of this power.

When I stopped to think about it, then went back and read the entire book of Job, I have to agree with Dr. Morris. The book of Job, and its purpose, isn't really so much about me. Or you. Or any other human. The book of Job is all about the glory of an Almighty God. When I think about it as a treatise on human suffering, that all of a sudden puts me at the center of God's universe. And I have no business being there.

How much easier would it be to let God be God if I would get out of His rightful place at the center? Wouldn't that make this whole storm so much easier to weather? It was interesting to me to see just how deeply my "self-ism" is rooted. I was so focused on what the book of Job meant to me, that I'd never taken the time to notice what it might be teaching me about the character of God, aside from how it related to me and what I wanted to hear.

I'm interested to see what the rest of the book has to say.

Exhaustion Reigns...

Katie and I are nearing what I hope is the end of the sea of boxes. We have both been sleeping in a little bit later every day. But it is exciting to see the finished product starting to come together a bit more!

I don't have very much to write today. My brain is tired. But I had a random thought while I was unpacking and decorating today.

I have a lot of stuff. I mean that in both a literal and a figurative sense.

I didn't realize just how much stuff I had until I had to put it all in boxes and move it. Having done the dorm room thing for the past three years, I always had things in boxes. Some of it was in the music room, or the dungeon, or out at camp, or in the garage. There was always the room at school and the room at home. Now that I have officially and for good moved out, most of the stuff came with me. Where did it all come from? How in the world did I acquire it all? Do I need it all? I really should take an inventory, and purge some of it.

In the figurative sense, I have a lot of stuff, and I didn't realize just how much it was until I started to take a look at my life through this whole process. As I have been setting up rooms, there is a little story that keeps coming to my mind... It seems strangely fitting.

It is a little story called "My Heart - Christ's Home" by Robert Boyd Munger, published by InterVarsity Press.

The story is DEFINITELY worth reading, so please check out the link.

I'm a member!

Tonight, I joined my church here in town. I'm really happy about it! I love so many things about my church, but I think that one of the things I love the most is the sense of community. It is a large church, but there are lots of small groups, and a lot of the people know each other. Of course, not everyone knows everyone else, but in general, it is pretty easy to keep from feeling lost.

I also really love the emphasis on service at the church. They have so many opportunities to get involved, and to minister to others. Everything from the normal nursery/sunday school types of things to helping out at the community skate park that the church has built. There is a big emphasis on reaching the community around the church, and making sure that it doesn't exist as its own commune type thing.

Despite this emphasis, there can be some tendency towards clique-ishness amongst the college group. It has been really hard to make friends, and I have been convicted of several things as I've thought about this over the summer.

1. Am I as open as I should be with my welcome? Do I welcome people into groups where I am comfortable? Or am I content to stay within the realm of the familiar?
2. Do I use my natural shyness as an excuse to keep from talking to people, both in this particular church setting, and whenever I am around people in general? Am I telling God that He can't use me in this way, because I'm too shy?
3. When I look at the community that I have built around myself, is there an emphasis on serving the people around me? Or have I become a contained commune?

As I become more involved in the church in the future, and continue to grow during these 40 days, it will be interesting to see what changes in these areas.

The Deadly Sin

You would think that I would keep out of trouble. It is August 2nd. I'm on day two of my 40 days. I've been moving. All I am doing is carrying boxes, and making decisions about where to put things. It shouldn't be difficult to honor God in this process, right???

Well, I thought I was doing pretty well until I really sat down and thought about it tonight. I've realized, that in the midst of all of the insanity of moving, I've stayed in my old ruts, and fallen in, once again, with my own deadly sin.

This is the one that catches me up every single time. I find that everything in the whole world comes back to this one little word.....

Pride

My dad and one of my friends came up here to help me move, and I felt really badly the whole time they were here. I didn't want to let them carry things, I didn't want to let them do any more than was absolutely necessary. It is very easy for me to say that I'm just thinking about them, and trying to make sure that they aren't put out too much.

The truth of the matter is that I don't want to "owe" anyone anything, and I have far too much pride in my perceived self-reliance. I can say "oh, it was the way that I was raised." Or "oh, this is just the way my personality is." Or probably my most frequently thought reason, "If I'm not self reliant, I'm going to be in trouble, because there isn't anyone else that I can lean on."

I was genuinely surprised when my dad came into the room where I was organizing boxes, and just gave me a hug. Just because he said he was going to miss me when he left. I forget how blessed I am with the friends and family that I have around me. This is because I am so focused on myself, and how I am able to help other people, and how I have to take care of myself that I don't leave any room for anyone else in my life.

Is it a good thing to convince myself that I don't need anyone else? I don't think so. The Bible commands us to fellowship. Jesus surrounded himself with the disciples, because we aren't supposed to be alone. God created Eve so that Adam wouldn't be alone. I think that there is something of a pattern emerging here.

So, as of day two, I'm not doing so well as far as my lovely little checklist. But, I have acknowledged something about myself that I've always turned a blind eye to. And isn't that the whole point of this?

Spiritual Disciplines

This is probably one of the few things that can be turned into the Benjamin Franklin style checklist. For me at least, the best way to think about all of the disciplines is to simply list them, with a small description following each discipline.

There are two broad categories of disciplines. The Disciplines of Abstinence are centered around the question "What am I currently doing, that if I eliminated, would put me in the path of God?" and the Disciplines of Engagement around the question "What am I currently not doing, that if I were doing, would put me in the path of God?"

Disciplines of Abstinence
Solitude: The practice of spending time without any others or any distractions.
Silence: No noise or conversation. Just you and God.
Fasting: Abstain from food, media, entertainment, or anything else that occupies your time.
Frugality: Use your money for purposes outside your own needs for a time.
Chastity: Refers to both physical "purity" (virginity) and moral purity.
Secrecy: Do not allow anyone to know of the deeds you do or the money you give in order to avoid doing them for the wrong motivations. Only God needs to know.
Sacrifice: Stretch your sense of what you can do without for the sake of those who have less.
Self-Control: Controlling feelings, thoughts, and desires and shaping them to honor God.

Disciplines of Engagement
Study: Memorize Scripture and expand your universe of biblical study helps.
Worship: Engage in corporate worship and include worship in your own prayer time.
Celebration: Practice being grateful and thankful both in your own relationship with Christ and with other believers. Express encouragement and thankfulness to others.
Service: Give your time to the church and/or to others. Ponder tithing your time.
Prayer: Take deliberate steps to pray regularly and with purpose. Praying through the Psalms is a good way to increase your “prayer vocabulary.”
Fellowship: Hebrews 10:25, “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Confession: Practice confessing your sins to trusted people who will pray with you and be spiritual allies.
Submission: Submit to the proper people in the proper ways—fight against the sin of pride.
Guidance: Seeking counsel, wisdom, and encouragement from a discipler/mentor.
Humility: Seeking to put others first, and being humble in all we do.
Meditation: Constantly thinking about, pondering, and praying over the Word of God as you go about your day.
Reflection: Carefully consider and think about what God is teaching you.
Servanthood: Serving others with my daily life, without expecting anything in return.

These were compiled from many different sources, some of which are online, some of which aren't. I'm going to spend some more time thinking about what each of these means practically in my daily life, and how to best carry it out.

One interesting thing that I read was that we should consider tithing our time as well as our money. If I gave God 2.4 hours of my day, every day, what would that look like?

Frugality and Stewardship

These two are related in my mind, so I'm just going to do one post about them. The frugality thing is pretty simple. Make my budget, stick to it, save as much as I can, and don't buy things I don't need. It is really more a matter of self-discipline than anything else. A couple of practical things I can do to help in this area are:

• Making a list of the things I want, and waiting a month to buy them. If I still want them then, its probably ok to buy.
• Using coupons when I grocery shop.
• Taking the bus more, instead of driving everywhere.

The stewardship thing, especially as it relates to my time, is a bit trickier. I've always felt, to a certain extent, that "normal" didn't apply to me in some areas. I don't need a whole lot of sleep. I'm perfectly fine pulling continual 18 hour days. I love to help, and give, and there doesn't seem to be a limit on that outflow. Yes, I have bad days. Yes, sometimes I hate it. But in general, it doesn't seem to be hurting me. I'm torn between what everyone tells me (oh, you need time for yourself. You need more sleep. You need to rest) and what I feel (6 hours of sleep is perfect, less is fine. I like helping people, and while I can, and do, say no, it isn't something I like doing).

I've never been quite sure how all of those verses that talk about peace, and rest, and being still fit into my life. I know that there has to be a balance somewhere, but I'm not sure where it is.

I know people who take the need to rest idea waaaaaay too far. They fall into the selfish/lazy category. I definitely don't want to be there. But I also know people who fall into the complete workaholic category, and that, in and of itself, is also a form of selfishness and laziness. Selfishness, because they are only thinking of themselves, and their work schedules, and the things that they want, and lazy, because they aren't willing to work at changing the thing that they struggle with.

I was on the phone with a friend last night, and as he and I were talking, the subject of materialism came up. We talked about it for probably 30 minutes. As I was thinking through that conversation, I realized something. The older I get, and the more I study, the more convinced I am that we make Christianity far more complex than it has to be. I think, in its essentials, it all comes down to two things.

1. Does this ______ have correct motivation?
2. Does this ______ allow for moderation?

Thats it. Because if we are always focused on being like Christ (our motivation), then everything we do will be passed through the right filter. But, I know for myself, I can take even that the wrong way sometimes, and that is where the second part comes in.

I believe that it is honoring to Christ to have a job, and get good grades, and spend time with Christian friends, and spend time with non-Christian friends, and be on the debate team, and volunteer at church, and be involved with the local homeschool group, and mentor teenage girls, and teach piano lessons, and spend time by myself. I think that in and of themselves, there is nothing wrong with any of those things. The problem, for me, comes in when I start to forget the moderation part.

I think that moderation can look different to every person. Some people are capable of more, some people are capable of less. This is both a blessing and a curse. The diversity of God's People is incredible! But this also means that there is no checklist.

So, in practical terms, where does this leave me? Should I make sure that I get X hours of sleep every night, spend X hours on homework, and be absolutely positive that I'm spending X hours every day just sitting in quiet? No. I think that is getting overly legalistic, impossible to carry out, and most importantly, is missing the heart issue entirely.

I think that I need to be more aware of seeking God, purposefully and intentionally, in this area. I need to learn to give up my own stubborness, and allow God to show me where He will use me, and what my limits are. I also struggle a great deal with guilt when I take "me time," and that probably isn't a healthy reaction either.

I need to be more intentional, deliberate, and consistent about how I use my quiet time. Yes, I read my Bible, yes I journal, yes I pray... But I think that there is so much more possibility out there that I am missing. This one is tied in with the spiritual disciplines that I'm also planning on working on. But for now, stewardship is simply letting go of MY drive to do the things that I think are important so that I can make sure that MY abilities are utilizied in the way that I think is best. And learning to rely completely on God's plan, God's time, and resting in God's peace.

I also think that it is important to have accountability in place. It is VERY easy for me to push myself to the very edge of anything that is decent, reasonable, and healthy. Physically and emotionally. I'm asking, as the people who are nearest to me, that you hold me accountable. Don't let me do things simply because I think that they should be done, and I'm the only one who can do them. But at the same time, don't let me take the easy road out, and say no to the things that God is calling me to say yes to. Let me combine my Mary and my Martha.

If only it were as easy to do as it was to type...

The Search for Joy

This is a sermon that I heard several years ago, and thought it was good enough to hunt down the transcript. I thought about taking the ideas here, and re-writing them, but Earl Palmer does a better job than I could. It is a little longer than what I normally post here, but well worth the time to read.



We know that faith, hope and love in Christian faith must not be dependent upon our feelings. We must trust in God and our Lord Jesus Christ. We must love our neighbor and ourselves. We must keep hope alive even when we do not feel emotional support, otherwise these great and true and reliable building blocks will always be on-again and off-again realities tied to the turbulent, water-surface conditions of our feelings and our moods. But be careful not to go too far with this.

There is one great word in the vocabulary of the Bible that is a word full of meaning and full of feeling. It's the word joy. This word shows how faith, hope and love cause very strong and good feelings in us. Now, what does the word joy mean in the Bible and what does it mean for us today?

Let me read to you three sentences in the New Testament where the word joy is used. One is in the Gospel of John. In the Thursday night discourse, our Lord says this to his disciples, "You have sorrow now, but you will see me again. Your hearts will rejoice. No one may take your joy from you. Hitherto you ask nothing in my name. Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be full." That's the 16th Chapter of John.

Then James, the bishop of Jerusalem, writes in his remarkable Book of James, "Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet various trials, for you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and steadfastness, when it is complete, has its full effect and fulfills your life."

Finally, Paul in his Letter to the Philippians writes, "Therefore my brothers and sisters whom I love and long for, my joy and my crown, stand firm thus in the Lord." And then a little later he says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say rejoice." In each case, this is the word joy. "Let all people know your forbearance, the Lord is nearby."

Now in each of these cases the word joy is used. Now what is the word and what does it mean? The word in Greek, chara, is the root word for another great word in the New Testament that the apostle Paul uses and as one of his love vocabulary words, charis, or as translated into English, grace. The word probably really means surprise gift. Then if you take the little eu, which is a prefix in Greek, and add it before the chara, it becomes another important word in the New Testament, thanksgiving -- eucharist. So here we have a very important word in the New Testament -- joy, grace, thanksgiving. They're all words that have their root from the word joy, surprise gift.

I think it's C. S. Lewis who helped me the most to understand the New Testament meaning of this word, and he did it in a remarkable little book he called, The Screwtape Letters. Actually, when Lewis wrote it, he created a kind of interesting satirical device. He has a senior devil named Screwtape writing to a junior devil named Wormwood and so you have to reverse some of the things that Screwtape says because he's writing from his point of view -- the enemy is God, and our father below is the Devil. But anyway, in writing to Wormwood, Screwtape makes some comments about joy. Let me read to you from this little book, The Screwtape Letters. As Screwtape is speaking to Wormwood, he says:

I divide the causes of human laughter into joy, fun, the joke proper and flippancy. You will see the first among friends and lovers reuniting on the eve of a holiday. Among adults some pretext in the way of jokes is usually provided, but the facility with which the smallest witticism produces laughter at such a time, shows that that's not the real cause. What the real cause is we do not know. Something like it is expressed in much of that detestable art which the humans call music, and something like it occurs in heaven.

And now here Screwtape gives his definition of joy, A meaningless acceleration in the rhythm of celestial experience, quite opaque to us. Then he goes on to explain that, Laughter of this kind does us no good and should always be discouraged. Besides the phenomena is of itself disgusting and a direct insult to the realism, dignity and austerity of hell.

This is Screwtape's definition, but listen, you have to reverse some of Screwtape's words. Screwtape calls it, a meaningless acceleration... That means the real definition of joy is it's a meaningful acceleration. In the eyes of evil, it's meaningless, but in the eyes of God it's a meaningful acceleration in the rhythm, Lewis calls it, of celestial experience. In the rhythm of our experience with God's character. That's what he means by that. It's quite opaque to the devil, quite opaque to evil. It can't understand it.

I think Lewis has helped us to understand joy. Joy is a meaningful acceleration in the rhythm of our relationship and our understanding of God. Well, let's think about that for a minute. I think his definition gets a hold of what we've seen in these three texts. Joy is a surprise gift. It's an experience of meaningful rhythmic acceleration. That's why there are strong feelings that go with joy. It's exuberant sometimes, but also profoundly quiet and peaceful. Notice they're both together. He calls it an acceleration that's rhythmic. Also, joy is a surprise gift given to us and in us as a taste of the experience we have with the character of God. He calls it a taste of what celestial experience will be like. It's an advance look of what heaven will be like. Joy, in other words, is an experience of God's character. And then three, evil cannot understand joy. It's a baffling experience to evil. Screwtape does not understand it. That's why he calls it this meaningless acceleration. He doesn't understand it. It's opaque to him. It's baffling to evil and evil cannot stop it, and this is what Lewis says.

Well, now, I have a question to ask. When is it that we experience this joy? Where are the places where we experience joy? Well, I would like to make three reflections on that. First, it happens in fellowship. In fact, Lewis began his whole definition of joy that way. He says, You will see joy on the eve of a reunion. It happens in fellowship with brothers and sisters who also have experienced joy, and from a Christian point of view, what Paul says in Philippians helps us to understand that kind of joy. He says to the Philippians -- I love the way he puts it -- Therefore my beloved, my brothers and sisters whom I love, who I long for, my joy and my crown. The word for crown that he uses here is the same word used for an athletic crown. It is like saying to the Philippians, you are my gold medal. You are the crown for me. You are a joy to me. And this is what joy is. It's an experience; it's a fellowship that we have with brothers and sisters.

Secondly, another thing about joy in the New Testament is that it happens at odd and awkward times. That's how I understand the James passage. James says, Count it all joy when you meet various trials because the trials of your life prove the durability and the faithfulness of God's goodness. James was one of the early martyrs in the Christian church and he knows about stress, and he is saying that in the midst of that stress, he experiences joy. It's an awkward time. It's a time when you wouldn't expect to have joy, and yet James is saying he has it because in that experience of trial he is discovering the faithfulness and the goodness of God. James is experiencing joy at an awkward time. I don't know if you have had that experience, a time when you wouldn't expect to have joy. You don't expect to have the meaningful acceleration you do when, in a time of stress, you discover that God is faithful and His faithfulness and durability is validated to you.

And also there is a third. It happens, I suppose, in the profoundest sense, when I discover the faithfulness of Jesus Christ myself, and His fellowship with me, and that's how I understand the John 16 passage. This is in the Thursday night of Holy Week and Jesus Christ is saying to His disciples that, Now you have sorrow, but you will experience joy and the joy comes with my fellowship with you. You're with me and no one can take that joy away from you. It's your experience. It's an experience that I give to you and no one can take it from you. And so we experience joy, joy as an exuberance. That's how I understand this use of the word acceleration. It's an exuberance. We have strong feelings about our joy, and yet there is a sense of peacefulness about it. I love the way Paul completes that great 4th Chapter of Philippians when he says, Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say rejoice. Let all people know your forbearance -- actually the Greek word here, epikas, means mellowness, your gentleness -- the Lord is nearby. Then he goes on to say, Have no anxiety about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will garrison (or guard) your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And so we see this peaceful kind of joy as an acceleration, and yet it's a peacefulness. It's a joy that happens because of reunion, of fellowship. It's a joy that happens at awkward times and it's a joy that happens because we're in the presence of God, in the presence of Christ in His faithfulness.

That third one intrigues me the most. When I discover that God's love for me is there and I can count on it, that He cares for me, and that that is a bedrock fact of my life, then I experience joy.

Imagine you're going to a party. Have you ever been to a party where you look around the room and see all the various foods they have? Maybe over here at a table you see some of your very favorite foods. Some shrimp? That's something I like. Maybe in a nice display around ice, and then maybe some smoked salmon and then, of course, all the other things are in this great buffet. And you walk in. Have you ever had that experience where you kind of look around the room and see all the things that are there?

Over on the dessert table you see one of your very favorite things, Siberian peach pie. You decide to skip the carrots and the celery and the potato chips and make a beeline. They only have a small plate, so you go over to the shrimp table and start taking the shrimp right away because you want to get them before all the greedy people come. You take some shrimp, and you're eating them while you're standing there, piling them up on your plate. You go over to the salmon, skipping all those other things, cauliflower and all that, and then maybe run over to the pie and get that before others get it, and you're just filling your plate.

And now something surprising happens. The hostess comes up to you and says, "Ah, you came to the party. I'm so glad you came to the party. I wanted you to come to this party so much, and oh, by the way, Earl, I know that you love shrimp. That's why I had them at the party. I know you love them, and I know you like salmon. It is one of the reasons I had salmon here today. I know you like it. Oh, and look at over there, Siberian peach pie. Your very favorite. Earl, when you leave today, would you go by the kitchen? I have had them put aside a whole plateful of shrimp, and there is also some salmon there, and I've got a whole Siberian peach pie for you when you leave. Be sure to stop by and get it would you, Earl?"

Now let me ask you a question, when this hostess has said that to you, now what do you do at the party? You walk over to the celery, you get some celery, some carrots. You say to other people, "Hey, you must try this shrimp. They're marvelous. Be sure to try the Siberian peach pie." I mean, you feel so generous. It's a generosity that has happened in your life. Why is it? It could be described as a joy that has come to your life. Why? Because you discovered that the hostess really cares about your fulfillment, cares about your joy and I think that's what the disciples are discovering in the 16th Chapter. Jesus says, I know you're having sorrow now, but you are going to have joy. No one can take it from you because I'm going to be with you. And when that occurs to me, when I realize that, it sets me free and that freedom in the New Testament is called joy.

Interview with Earl Palmer
Interviewed by Bud Knoedler

Bud Knoedler: Earl, thank you for being with us today. I especially enjoyed your references to C. S. Lewis. He is a household word these days with the Hollywood film "Shadowlands" having been recently given to us. As you understand C. S. Lewis, and I know he's one of your favorites, what would C. S. Lewis have to say today, Earl, to our Western culture and its frequent reliance on sex and drugs and alcohol in this search for joy that you talked about.

Earl Palmer: Well, joy is a very big word for Lewis. When he wrote his autobiography of the shape of his early life, he called it "Surprised By Joy." That was the big discovery, one of the tremendous big discoveries of Lewis's life. He was very interested also in our intoxication or addiction to, you might say, false searches. He had an interesting line. He said, "The modern man/woman has had an ever-increasing appetite for ever-decreasing pleasure." That's the way he described the problem of filling our lives with things that don't really substantially meet the need and the search we have for joy. There is a universal search for joy.

Another great Lewis quote is that "Joy is the serious business of heaven. It's the grand truth. It's the surprise that happens when we discover God's love." And so Lewis there's a sense in which he's always trying to focus us on the great truth, the great center of God's love revealed in Christ, and I guess that would be the answer to the person that is tempted to try to find other things to fill that void.

A Small Checklist

As the kickoff date of August 1st is coming ever closer, I've been mentally struggling with how I'm actually going to take on this whole chapter. I guess that I have divided it down into 4 categories in my mind. There are the Spiritual issues, character issues, physical issues, and the more tangible issues. Obviously, the physical and tangible issues will be the easiest to deal with.

I think that the spiritual issues come down to this: She was disciplined, in managing herself and her household. She was God-fearing, and she was wise. It could also be a part of this category that she knew that she was a rare and precious child of God, but I think that isn't so much a part of this study right now.

Character issues include her trustworthiness, kindness, enterprising spirit, good stewardship, diligence, compassion, and preparedness.

Things that are more tangible (although probably motivated by the Spirit, and developed character) are her joy in working, her frugality, and here generosity.

Finally, in the physical realm, she is elegant and poised, but she also sounds like a pretty energetic and fit kind of woman (verse 17, anyone?).

For me, there are several things from that list that jump out immediately. Having joy, even when I am working, doesn't always happen in my life. If I'm not careful, I can overspend my budget, and that doesn't always lend itself to frugality, or being a good steward. I'm also not a very good steward with my time. It isn't that I don't get everything done, it is that I commit myself to too much stuff, and I get burnt out/sick/am physically unable to do everything. I also struggle with various types of spiritual disciplines, and I'm certainly not girded with strength, and equipped with strong arms. So that area needs work.

Of course, there is room for improvement in every single one of these areas, but those five areas need the most work.

In summary, the first areas that will be attacked are:

1. Joy
2. Frugality
3. Stewardship
5. Spiritual disciplines
4. Being physically fit

and I'll spend the next five posts going into more details about my goals for these areas over the next 40 days.

Conversations

We've probably all heard it many times,

"The most important part of a relationship is the communication."

If you can't effectively communicate, there isn't a whole lot of hope. This takes work, diligence, and patience. It's an art. And it's certainly not something that you learn overnight or master in a week. This is an on-going lifetime process.

My husband and I have decent communication. As with many marriages, we have our times where it breaks down but for the most part, I feel like I can get my point across without too much weeping and gnashing of teeth. This whole overhaul thing in our lives right now is helping improve our communication as well.

Twice this week, we have sat down and discussed things in detail. These could range from spiritual matters to finances. We have discussed it all in the past 10 days. During one such conversation, I opened up my Bible study to him. I talked to him about what I was reading, about how I perceived it, about the things that I felt I needed to change. It's one thing for me to do a self-evaluation. After all, I could be lying to myself. I could give myself an eight and he thinks I'm really a four.

I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation Tuesday night. As we walked through the things that I have learned in my study thus far, it was really nice to have encouragement about the things I was doing right. It was also nice to have constructive criticism about the things he perceived as issues. Why shouldn't he have an opinion or a say when what I'm working on? Everything I'm learning will effect him more than anyone else.

Needless to say, it was very productive and enjoyable. As we sat and prayed together on the couch, I was reminded again just how much I love that man. He could have been very destructive and tore me apart because heaven knows, I'm far from perfect! Instead, everything he said was softly spoken with love.

Communication is vitally important. You can be blessed as we were or bruised and battered. Thankfully it was the former. The growth that I've seen in just the last 10 days has been phenomenal. It's amazing the blessings that God will give us if we just try seeking His face!

Proverbs 31 - an overview, Part II

Here is the second overview of Proverbs 31 that has really impressed me. I like how it gives a macro and a micro view of the passage.

Also, here and here is a two part application of Proverbs 31 that is quite excellent. Please take some time to read them over.

To see this chart in its original setting, click here.

The Proverbs 31 Woman :
10An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. rare, precious 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. trustworthy 12She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. kind	Her Character as a Wife
13She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. works joyfully 14She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. goes extra mile to get choicest goods 15She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. disciplined 16She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. enterprising, prudent with money 17She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. energetic 18She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. good steward 19She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. diligent	Her Devotion as a Homemaker
20She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy. compassionate, generous	Her Generosity as a Neighbor
21She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. provider 22She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. elegant 23Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. influential 24She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. industrious	Her Devotion as a Homemaker
25Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. poised 26She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. wise	Her Influence as a Teacher
27She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. manages her home 28Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: praiseworthy 29"Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all." distinguished	Her Effectiveness as a Mother
30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. God-fearing 31Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates. honored	Her Excellence as a Person
~ Proverbs 31:10-31

Enriching?

Proverbs 31:11 says, "Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life."

Enriching is defined by Dictionary.com as:

to make fuller, more meaningful, or more
rewarding.

Proverbs 31 calls us to enrich our husbands lives. So how would we go about doing that? What can I do to make Daniel's life fuller, more meaningful and more rewarding? I can work with him instead of against me. I can show him my appreciation for all that he does. I can consistantly remind him of the blessing that he is in my life. I can be an encourager.

As I'm sitting in my QT, ponder what this means, it makes me realize just how often I fail. God has given me the gift of encouragement. I am more than willing to use it for my mom as she is going through the Police Academy. I use it with friends when they have things going on in their lives. I use it with family members when they have things come up. Gosh, I even use it with perfect strangers.

All too often though, I forget to use my gift with the one person that loves me most, the person that I will be spending the rest of my life with. The person that I live with and who needs my encouragement the most. The man that I love more than any one else on this planet, in this world.

Why is it so often easier to be nice to strangers than it is to the people with which we live? That's just wrong! I should be kinder to Daniel than to anyone else. I should be more encouraging and uplifting with matters in his life over anyone else.

So here's my pledge. In my process of becoming a P31 woman, I will start by enriching my husband's life. While this exceeds just encouragement, I will start there.

The Race That is Set Before Us

I came across this email that I sent to a friend a few weeks ago. It was a rather good reminder for me, as I am struggling with getting bogged down in the details of life, and I thought it was worth posting here.

Things were a little different than normal tonight. Mr C (the youth pastor) had asked Josh to speak tonight, just to mix things up a little bit. Josh's delivery wasn't perfect -- he was pretty nervous... But what he said impacted me a great deal. It was fairly simple, what he said... He was talking about goals, and how we need to have a goal for our lives, a general direction we are going in. Not only do we need to have a goal, we need to think about how it effects our lives right now. And most importantly, we need to think about how it draws people to Christ. He used the analogy of C.S. Lewis. There was a tool shed that he walked into one day, and the shed was all dark, except for this one, beautiful, focused beam of light. As he walked closer to the light though, he lost sight of it, because the beam was lost in the greater light of the sun. When he turned around, the beam of light, as an extension of the greater light, was shining on all of the tools that he needed to complete a job.

The general idea is, each of our goals should be so intimately connected with God that when people look at them closer, all they see is God. And when we are so focused on God that we become that much a part of Him, He will show us the tools that we need. After youth group was over, he and I sat down at had a rather long conversation. Part of it was completely ridiculous, as is our want.... But the other part of it was really serious, and good.

I've also been thinking quite a lot since Wednesday.... This past week is the kind of thing that will shake a person up a bit...

Basically, I've concluded that my goals are just that... Mine. Sure, I couch them in great, Godly terms... And there is nothing inherently wrong with them. But I always find an idea, and stick it through to the bitter end. Like with music... I don't regret my time at Franklin. It definitely served a purpose... But I don't know that I should have ever been a music major. Like, even then, I don't know that I loved it enough, or in the right way to pursue it on that level. But, I was a musician, and there simply wasn't any other option. Everything had to work out just the way that I had planned it, because after all, I had figured out God's plan for my life.

The same thing with Kenya... I still don't know what God has for me there, if anything... But, I had it all worked out. I had exact details. I had my version of events, and if anyone suggested anything otherwise, it almost offended me. That's not good.

I'm a pretty spontaneous person, but I always have the major pieces in place, and I'm ok with changing small things, as long as the big pieces stay exactly where I've put them. So, I've built my entire life around these basically meaningless pieces. That was one of the first mistakes. My goals had to work out my way, or else I had failed. And failure is an acute feeling in my life. It isn't something I feel frequently, and it isn't something I want to feel frequently... But it has become a goal in and of itself. To do something, and do it well. Not just do it well. Exceed expectations. All of that. Going to school. Taking more credit hours. Working more. Getting better grades. Having a Plan all worked out. All of that. Those were goals, because I couldn't fail.

My second mistake is that all of my goals deal with things that are pretty far in the future. Naturally, goals have to give you something in the future to work towards. But this was just ridiculous. Because, every single goal started with "when I am done with the whole college thing..." and I have been wishing away myy life, waiting for the moment when it will really begin. That is faulty thinking. God placed me in this stage right now for a reason. I should value each moment, each lesson, and each experience of it. I shouldn't be counting down the days until my real life will begin, and I can start living in the real world...

Even when it comes to boys, my thinking has been very flawed. I still stand by what I said this afternoon. He needs to have a bit of the dashing hero in him. I need to be pursued, and he needs to be strong enough that I will submit to him. But on some level, I have always thought that my life was incomplete without a boy... Not incomplete... That's the wrong word. Maybe that I was limited in what I could do as a single person. So, I've made it a goal to find a nice boy, who has the exact same plan as I do, with the same number of children from the same countries, who has the exact same vision for his future that I do. Again, this is my idea of my ideal man in my ideal plan in my ideal life. There is something wrong with this picture.

Nothing in any of those goals reflects Christ. They aren't so much a part of Him that, upon closer examination, they get lost in Him. That needs to change. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with a boy. I don't have my relationship with Christ where it needs to be. I don't need to figure out the Plan for my life, because I haven't spent enough time consulting with the Master Planner.

Since Wednesday, I have spent 48 hours contemplating a life without my two goals... No music, and no Africa. It was a scary, and bleak place. I'm not saying that I should have been perfectly fine with it from the moment I heard, and never doubted... But it shouldn't have scared me beyond any feeling I have ever had before, because if God took away those two things, then I had nothing else in my life. That is wrong. My goal, first and foremost, should be to be that sunbeam. It should be to get so lost in Christ, that when people see me, they seen an extension of Him. And the "goals", the whats of my life, should be the tools that that sunbeam is shining on. They should be illuminated by Christ. They shouldn't be the source.

So many times in the Bible, it uses the imagery of running a race. Josh and I spent a large amount of time talking about that tonight. Especially with the Olympics coming up, it was incredibly relevant to both of us. When you are training for an Olympic event, you sacrifice EVERYTHING. Your even becomes your sole focus. Everything else fades away, unless it can help you accomplish that one goal of running the race. Everything extraneous, everything cumbersome is shed away, and not picked up again. The athlete does everything possible to run that race, to accomplish that one single goal -- running as quickly as they can, and winning the race.

What would my life be like if I spent that kind of energy and dedication on one single goal? and what if that one single goal was becoming a sunbeam, that upon closer examination, gets so completely lost in the source... How would my life change? What kinds of extraneous and cumbersome things would I find myself dropping along the way? How would my training regimen change in order to qualify for the Olympics, and run that race with everything in me?

THAT needs to be my goal... And once the sunbeam is able to shine, the tools will be there, illuminated by the perfect reflection of the Son. I need to stop noticing all of the other runners, and where they are in their race. I need to stop trying to beat my own personal best, and just focus on running the race.

So I guess the significant things right now are: Giving up on Kenya... Maybe not forever, but giving up my future plans so that God will be free to do what He chooses. Making sure that I don't wish away my present, and miss the work that God has for me here and now. And the biggest thing is that I need to start focusing on becoming more of a sunbeam, and less on finding the proper tools. That means that I need to spend more time with God. I need to be more disciplined about prayer. I need to be more intentional about making that relationship my top priority.

A definition and some thoughts

I've always loved words - big words, small words, obscure words. Languages and communication are something that I have always devoted time to. One of my great downfalls though, is that I read a word, and figure it out from the context, and don't take the time to look it up, and understand what it really means. Or, sometimes there are words that are just so common that I don't ever think it important enough to look them up.

I was doing my quiet time tonight, and I started reading the book of John. I made it through all of six verses. I started thinking about the relationship between God and the Bible, and how intimately they are connected. This led to a look into my own life, and the unfortunate remembrance of all of the times I have not valued Scripture. My mind immediately jumped to the Psalms, and how much they mention meditating on the Word of God.

When I was a child, and I heard people talk about meditating on the Word of God, I always thought they were nuts. After all, meditation was something that you did when you were dressed up in a funny robe, in a dark room lit by lots and lots of candles, after eating an all natural meal that you had grown yourself. It wasn't something that Christians did. I have since come to realize that this isn't the case, but the word "meditate" fell into the category of words that were too common to look up.

So, tonight, I looked up the word. There are two basic types of meditation. There is the type that is thinking, studying, or reflecting on something. But there is also a type of meditation that is a little more practical. It is considering something that you are going to do. It is based in action, and it is a verb with an object.

I did a search of the Bible to see how the word meditate was used in there. There were quite a few results, but these were some of the more compelling ones to me personally.

Joshua 1:8
This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.

Psalm 27:4-5
One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD
And to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.

Psalm 119:26-28
I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;
Teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts,
So I will meditate on Your wonders.
My soul weeps because of grief;
Strengthen me according to Your word.

Psalm 119: 147-148
I rise before dawn and cry for help;
I wait for Your words.
My eyes anticipate the night watches,
That I may meditate on Your word.

We are supposed to constantly meditate on God's word, day and night, and to long for it so much that it is the first thing we think about in the morning, and the last thing at night. We are supposed to meditate in God's house, and we are supposed to meditate on God's wonders.

Especially with something like Proverbs 31, it will be very easy for me to get caught up in following that checklist of sorts. I could easily fall into the Benjamin Franklin system, and make a chart with a check box for each characteristic and each day, and work to be able to check them all off. But that isn't what it is about. In order to truly have lasting change, I think that I need to realize that meditation is going to be so much important.

If I don't hide God's Word in my heart, and if I don't meditate on Him like the Bible talks about, then I'm going to be stuck in the exact same rut I am now, with different spiritual names to put on it. This change has to come from the inside, and the only way to do that is to transform my thinking. And doing a little more meditation is probably not a bad place to start.