A good reminder...

Today, I was reminded of the goodness of God, and how He always uses everything as part of His master plan. I was also reminded of how much He has changed me, and caused me to grow over the past few years. It was a needed reminder.

I have some friends who say that I am too hard on myself, and sometimes, I just need to stop. While I think that it is impossible to be "too hard on yourself" when compared to the model of Christ, I sometimes just brush that away, and never think about what is good in it.

I think that I can have a tendency to always be pushing towards the next thing in my life that needs work, without ever stopping to reflect on how good God is, and how faithful He is to produce fruit from trial.

Case in point. It is almost two years now, since the Zach incident. Today, for the first time, I really sat down and thought about all of the good things that have come into my life since that point. Here is a short list.

I have met some very dear friends (Emily, Kris, Tish, Josh, etc.)
I was in a position to get a job at the museum two summers ago because he wanted to go volunteer there.
I was able to get experience as a chef/manager this past summer, because of that same job at the museum.
I have started to seriously consider culinary arts as a career, as a result of the summer.
God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways, and my relationship with him has deepened significantly as a result of the trial.
Because of the people that I met at the museum, when the time came to transfer, I considered my current school (which would have NEVER happened before)
I wouldn't have been able to get involved with my church, which I absolutely love!
I wouldn't have met my roommate Kristi
I wouldn't be able to live with Katie
Incidentally, Katie wouldn't be at this school if I hadn't come, and said something to her about the linguistics department.

This is definitely a partial list. And think how many things God does that we don't ever know about???? Its kinda exciting!

Does this mean that I can sit back, and revel in how much I've grown over the past two years? No. But it does mean that I can marvel at the greatness of God, and be humbled by His glory.

And maybe that is something I should spend some more time doing...

Hmm...

Well, it has been quite some time since anyone has posted to this blog. I will plead guilty on two counts -- having a computer that required a new operating system, and adjusting to the new town again. However, I have been keeping notes, so I'm planning on going back and writing up the posts based on those notes so I will at least have a complete record in one place.

Ariel and Kristi? Are you still out there? Is everything ok? Its kinda lonely out here!

Houston, We Have a Problem

So... Yesterday, when I was starting to feel overwhelmed? Yeah... That kinda blew up in my face tonight. It wasn't pretty.

This morning, Katie and I ran some errands on campus, and I had to deal with financial aid, which is always stressful. Then, we came home, and I did some computer work. I had another interview this afternoon, so I had to drive way out in the middle of nowhere to get there, and I got lost, which I hate doing. For some reason, this interview kinda stressed me out. I'm not sure if I'll be able to work with this client. Then I had some errands that I had to run. Wal mart, the bank, and the post office.

My roommate from last semester said that she was having my mail held at the post office, and I could pick it up there when I got back. Well, when I went to the post office, they had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. In fact, they said that they didn't offer any kind of service like that. Normally, this wouldn't have been a huge deal, because I don't get much mail anyway, but I was supposed to have a check arriving to that address. So I don't know what has become of that yet. I have a phone number to try and call today to see what happened there.

Then, I went to praise team practice. Yesterday, I got a phone call from the worship leader at church, and he wanted to know if I'd be interested in possibly joining up with the praise team. I was really excited about this! I love playing, and I've really missed it. But it is a big church. And there are lots of other musicians. And it has been awhile since I've really played like that before. So I was really nervous, and it kinda stressed me out even more.

As the grand icing on the cake of today, I spent most of the day on my cell phone trying to arrange scheduling for my dad. See, one of the people that I'd been talking with about buying camp is actually interested. He and Dad went and looked the place over a few weeks ago. Well, he has a business partner who lives in Philadelphia, and they are both so interested that the partner is driving all the way out from Philly to see my camp. And they want to buy it. And I know that this is the best decision, but it still makes me really sad. I don't really want to sell camp. But I know that it must be done. But it makes me sad.

I also got an email tonight that really surprised me. It was from someone who was seeking advice on what seems to be a fairly serious subject, although the email wasn't quite coherent enough for me to understand the situation. The source of this email has surprised me a great deal, and I'm not really sure how to handle it, or what my response to it should be.

There is also stress at work, because I'm not sure about the clients they've given me, and I have to go and do scheduling stuff tomorrow, and I don't know what to tell them. I really miss my restaurant job. I'm not sure if I should try to find another one of those, or what. I'm so confused!

I'm also starting to feel kinda pressured by all of those wonderful service opportunities at church. I keep getting emails and facebook messages about other things that they need help with. And sadly, these aren't mass messages asking for help. They are specifically to me, because I can fill some specific need.

Add into this mix that I've been here in town for less than two weeks, and already, so much has changed. Over the summer, I was working 80 hours a week, and I had a complete life there. Then, I move here, and walk into a ready and waiting life up here. I went from insanely busy while unpacking to a few days of nothing, to getting pretty busy again. I'm not used to this schedule yet... And it sometimes feels like it has all happened so quickly that I just don't have time to deal with any of it.

I'm not quite sure if this sort of thing is normal, and ok... Or if it is yet another indicator that I am trying to run things in my own life yet again. I kinda feel like I'm adrift, and I don't really know what my priorities are anymore.

I went from knowing pretty much exactly what direction my life was going to take, having been heading in that direction for the past decade, to having absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. Should I go to Africa? Go to culinary school? Go back to the music thing? Work for a non-profit? It is all starting to loom ever-closer. I feel like I'm still leading a life where I grew up, where my parents live, where they are getting ready to move to, where my old school is, and here where i am now. I don't know how to balance all of this. I don't know where to draw lines. I don't know how to prioritize everything. Maybe this will get better once school has actually started? Then I will at least have classes to focus on, and everything else can fall into place around that... Maybe...

All I know is that I'm overwhelmed, and I don't exactly know what to do. This is the first time I've really had no clear direction. There has been so much change in the past few months, and I haven't really had any time at all to process it. Everything seems like it is all muddled up. Does any of that even make sense?

Tonight, I couldn't sleep. It is actually the reason that I am still typing posts at 5:43 am. I haven't slept yet tonight. For some reason, Psalm 69 kept floating around in my head. I don't have any personal connection to that one... But I read it, and there were some really good verses at the very end.

Psalm 69: 32a-33

You who seek God, let your heart revive.
For the LORD hears the needy
And does not despise His who are prisoners.

I was talking with one of the Joys tonight, and she told me that I need to retreat. In the military sense of the word. That I needed to step back, and stop fighting battles so I could figure out which strategic points to hit, and I could line up my resources.

She also thought that I needed to do some things that were fun and irresponsible. Not unsafe kind of irresponsible. Specifically, she wants me to go to Charlotte with her next weekend. I can't decide what I want to do. She says that I need to get away, and go to a place that isn't familiar, where people don't know me, and gain some perspective that way. While I might agree with that, I'm not sure that driving to Charlotte with her and her two kids, to meet up with some of her old friends/mentors is going to be the best option. I just don't know.... Maybe I should try sleep again, and see if my body will finally cooperate.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Today has been the busiest day yet since I've been in Lafayette. I had two interviews with families today, then I ended up working a shift this evening.

I think that part of this is the newness of everything, trying to get used to new clients in a new job in a new area. My job requires me to drive all over the county, and sometimes even beyond the county limits. When I'm not familiar with the area at all, this is quite a stretch. Much less trying to figure out how to get from one place to another, so I can make sure I am scheduling interviews properly.

Today is the first day that I have really felt challenged to find time to do my devotions. Again, I'm not sure if that is just starting to feel slightly overwhelmed with everything, or if I am slipping back into old habits of laziness.... It will definitely be something to keep my eyes on though as the semester progresses.

I need to keep refocusing my mind on God. I really am starting to feel overwhelmed, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I haven't really been doing that much, so I don't know why I'm overwhelmed... But there we have it.

An Unexpected Blessing!

Katie had her first official day of school orientation today. She had to go fill out lots of paperwork so that she can get paid for her assistantship. All of the grad students were there, and this included the International students. When Katie got home, she said that she had met a girl named Julia who was from the Ukraine, and she had gotten her cell phone number. We randomly decided, at 4:00 to call Julia and invite her over for dinner that night.

Julia was surprised, but excited, to come over. So, Katie and Kristi and I started dinner preparations. Over the course of the evening, it was very nice to just sit and talk with Julia. She is here to get her PhD in Chemistry, so we didn't spend much time talking about our respective studies, since they don't coincide in the slightest.

While we were talking about how Julia had learned her English, she started talking about this boy from Idaho who had spent time in Ukraine teaching English. He also happened to be a Christian, and she had learned a lot about God and Jesus from him. We still aren't sure if Julia is a Christian or not, but it was very cool that she was so open to talking about it all.

Pray with me that God will be able to use us, and develop this friendship with Julia. It is nice to have a friend to do things with. Julia arrived in America on August 1st, so she is still trying to adjust. She seems to miss home a lot, and especially with all of the unrest in the Caucasus region, it is completely understandable. But, it is still an exciting blessing that Julia has been brought into our lives.

In with a twist

So... Sometimes I really don't like God's sense of humor. The roomies and I went to my church today. I was still not in a great mood, and I didn't *really* want to be at church that morning.

Wouldn't you know that the sermon was just precisely and exactly what I needed to hear? It was all about disciplining your mind, and filtering things out of it, and training it to what was good and right. You know that verse in Phillipians?

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Yeah... That one... Isn't it a lot nicer to dwell on those things than it is to wallow in the abject self pity I'd been indulging in for the past few days?

As if that wasn't bad enough, after the church service, we went to sunday school. That was where the twisting part came in.

One of the college guys gave his testimony today, and he did a really good job. There were lots of things that he said that were good, but the one that stuck with me is kinda one that I've been mulling over through the new perspective on the book of Job, but it really hit me this morning.

God's goal is to be glorified. He is perfect, and so can exist for His own glory without being selfish. It's not about me. It never has been, never will be. It is all about Him. My sole purpose is to glorify God. It doesn't matter what my mood is. This is why I'm supposed to train my mind, and dwell on the good, lovely, pure, true and excellent things. Because it isn't about me, or about what I'm feeling. It is about the glory of God.

To quote Tim, "John Piper ruined my life..."

Blah, part The Second

Today was a little better than yesterday, but not a whole lot. I had a wedding to go cook at, and I really wasn't happy. The bride had sent out this incredibly detailed breakdown of the day (like, 5 minute increments) and this just ticked me off like none other. I didn't want to go. I was annoyed that my friend was getting married, and I wouldn't even get to see any of the wedding, because I'd be in the kitchen the whole time. I was annoyed that pretty much everyone else in the kitchen got to leave to go see the ceremony, but I had to stay. There was more of the wallowing thing going on today.

Thats the bad news. The good news is that I was feeling pretty convicted after my behavior yesterday, so I was able to be a little more deliberate about turning to God. In the end, I was able to see the wedding as an act of service that meant a lot to my friend, and be at least nominally contented with that.

By the end of the day, I was actually in a pretty good mood. I was even able to deal with burning hot chicken juice getting poured all down the front of my shirt, and getting a lovely burn all over my stomach without killing anyone! When we are faithful, God gives us what we need.

I just need to work on that faithfulness part some more.