Houston, We Have a Problem

So... Yesterday, when I was starting to feel overwhelmed? Yeah... That kinda blew up in my face tonight. It wasn't pretty.

This morning, Katie and I ran some errands on campus, and I had to deal with financial aid, which is always stressful. Then, we came home, and I did some computer work. I had another interview this afternoon, so I had to drive way out in the middle of nowhere to get there, and I got lost, which I hate doing. For some reason, this interview kinda stressed me out. I'm not sure if I'll be able to work with this client. Then I had some errands that I had to run. Wal mart, the bank, and the post office.

My roommate from last semester said that she was having my mail held at the post office, and I could pick it up there when I got back. Well, when I went to the post office, they had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. In fact, they said that they didn't offer any kind of service like that. Normally, this wouldn't have been a huge deal, because I don't get much mail anyway, but I was supposed to have a check arriving to that address. So I don't know what has become of that yet. I have a phone number to try and call today to see what happened there.

Then, I went to praise team practice. Yesterday, I got a phone call from the worship leader at church, and he wanted to know if I'd be interested in possibly joining up with the praise team. I was really excited about this! I love playing, and I've really missed it. But it is a big church. And there are lots of other musicians. And it has been awhile since I've really played like that before. So I was really nervous, and it kinda stressed me out even more.

As the grand icing on the cake of today, I spent most of the day on my cell phone trying to arrange scheduling for my dad. See, one of the people that I'd been talking with about buying camp is actually interested. He and Dad went and looked the place over a few weeks ago. Well, he has a business partner who lives in Philadelphia, and they are both so interested that the partner is driving all the way out from Philly to see my camp. And they want to buy it. And I know that this is the best decision, but it still makes me really sad. I don't really want to sell camp. But I know that it must be done. But it makes me sad.

I also got an email tonight that really surprised me. It was from someone who was seeking advice on what seems to be a fairly serious subject, although the email wasn't quite coherent enough for me to understand the situation. The source of this email has surprised me a great deal, and I'm not really sure how to handle it, or what my response to it should be.

There is also stress at work, because I'm not sure about the clients they've given me, and I have to go and do scheduling stuff tomorrow, and I don't know what to tell them. I really miss my restaurant job. I'm not sure if I should try to find another one of those, or what. I'm so confused!

I'm also starting to feel kinda pressured by all of those wonderful service opportunities at church. I keep getting emails and facebook messages about other things that they need help with. And sadly, these aren't mass messages asking for help. They are specifically to me, because I can fill some specific need.

Add into this mix that I've been here in town for less than two weeks, and already, so much has changed. Over the summer, I was working 80 hours a week, and I had a complete life there. Then, I move here, and walk into a ready and waiting life up here. I went from insanely busy while unpacking to a few days of nothing, to getting pretty busy again. I'm not used to this schedule yet... And it sometimes feels like it has all happened so quickly that I just don't have time to deal with any of it.

I'm not quite sure if this sort of thing is normal, and ok... Or if it is yet another indicator that I am trying to run things in my own life yet again. I kinda feel like I'm adrift, and I don't really know what my priorities are anymore.

I went from knowing pretty much exactly what direction my life was going to take, having been heading in that direction for the past decade, to having absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. Should I go to Africa? Go to culinary school? Go back to the music thing? Work for a non-profit? It is all starting to loom ever-closer. I feel like I'm still leading a life where I grew up, where my parents live, where they are getting ready to move to, where my old school is, and here where i am now. I don't know how to balance all of this. I don't know where to draw lines. I don't know how to prioritize everything. Maybe this will get better once school has actually started? Then I will at least have classes to focus on, and everything else can fall into place around that... Maybe...

All I know is that I'm overwhelmed, and I don't exactly know what to do. This is the first time I've really had no clear direction. There has been so much change in the past few months, and I haven't really had any time at all to process it. Everything seems like it is all muddled up. Does any of that even make sense?

Tonight, I couldn't sleep. It is actually the reason that I am still typing posts at 5:43 am. I haven't slept yet tonight. For some reason, Psalm 69 kept floating around in my head. I don't have any personal connection to that one... But I read it, and there were some really good verses at the very end.

Psalm 69: 32a-33

You who seek God, let your heart revive.
For the LORD hears the needy
And does not despise His who are prisoners.

I was talking with one of the Joys tonight, and she told me that I need to retreat. In the military sense of the word. That I needed to step back, and stop fighting battles so I could figure out which strategic points to hit, and I could line up my resources.

She also thought that I needed to do some things that were fun and irresponsible. Not unsafe kind of irresponsible. Specifically, she wants me to go to Charlotte with her next weekend. I can't decide what I want to do. She says that I need to get away, and go to a place that isn't familiar, where people don't know me, and gain some perspective that way. While I might agree with that, I'm not sure that driving to Charlotte with her and her two kids, to meet up with some of her old friends/mentors is going to be the best option. I just don't know.... Maybe I should try sleep again, and see if my body will finally cooperate.